Wednesday

Not First


  1.  
    I’ve seen many a creamy river flow & stream down her thighs.

    Her vag of courage sure seems to like to quiver & have a cry.

    Cry, cry baby.

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  2.  
    Electronic voting machines ate my democracy
    & 1/2 my bagel.

    Don’t even get me started on yer mom, her lox
    & my talking {radio edit}.

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  3.  
    The world’s oldest cave writings finally got translated.

    It’s a sex poem chorus:

    “Hot Mama, I Just Gotta Stick it in Yer Butt.”

    Yup.

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  4. Just an old Italian recipe grandma gave me.

    Any noodle will do, but you must use
    secret meat ingredient to
    make baked penguini. 

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  5. Don't need to learn CASL (Cat As a 2nd Language).

    I know 'Meow' means, "Help lick my butt
    or I'll be late to take my next nap."

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  6. 1/10th of a second:

    Time lapsed between me thinking today wasn't too bad, comparatively, & me spilling a drink down the front of me.

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  7. According to their picket signs, they are all named Bob.

    And they are “For Apples”.

    Except for one pro-Snapple snapperhead.

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  8. Knew it'd be Frodo wasting that tolkien he had
    (& those he'd find)
    playing the same ring toss game badly
    'til he lost his mind.

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  9. A whale friend swam by.

    Made me blush.

    Said she got so bored she filled up vagina
    with ping pong balls & joined # teamhumpback.

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  10. "Bigmouth blows chance at a perfect game.
    At best, he can get a spare this frame.."

    ~The Smiths, a chorus rough draft, probably

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  11. The word of the day
    and forecast for the day are both.. Filthy.

    With no chance of showers.

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  12. Semester of effort. What'd I get?

    0 extra credit points.

    I guess she hadn't asked for my
    participation in class disgusting.

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  13. "I told the producers I wanted to work with Don Rickles."

    ~KITT, the Knight Rider car

    (from its autobiography)

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  14. He was so proud (& shocked)
    seeing moody caterpillar daughter
    grow into beautiful Goth moth.

    "I can't believe she's not butterfly."

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  15. When dogs bark at fire engines,
    I pretend they have TV talking heads
    & are discussing politics
    while getting upset at today's news.

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  16. This tweet tips cows 20 percent.

    If it's a cutie pie, 25.

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  17. I’m not exactly sure what it is they all see,
    but the funhouse mirrors sure seem to be
    freaking out at me.

    Seriously.

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  18. Me & my car suck great as a team.

    It picks the stupid lanes.

    I pick the stupid lines.

    And it’s stupid people with the assist.

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  19. I asked Bob how many roads must a man walk down
    to no longer see freaky answers being blown up into trees.

    He said, “Infinity +/- 3.”

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  20. Images of royal granny panties interrupted
    my counting of sheep last night.

    # LondonOlympics

    # TVreruns

    # somethingicannotunremember

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  21. According to my math, the bath just ruined my graph paper
    & filled up my rubber ducky’s butt with soapy bubbles.

    Now he won’t squeak.

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  22. If the rain dance really worked,
    then why is that roof guy with the Cher feather
    still pretending he's not peeing on us.

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  23. If we were monkeys w/ handfuls of poo,
    imagine what that kind of power could do.

    World zookeepers would count to 3

    & we'd throw at 2.

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  24. Soduh or Vigoda?

    “Nonsense is an assertion of man’s spiritual freedom
    in spite of all the oppressions of circumstance.”

    # not # sure

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  25. “You think you shit a brick, but it was a tile, instead.

    Life's little surprises make me smile," Jim said.  

    {Jim, shut the fuck up.}

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  26. Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? 

    “Didn’t know what’s up at first,
    but saw who take foot off the bag.”

    #abeandthecostellofellow
    #iswronganswer

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  27. Holding fondly,
    froggy clenches it so close;
    a book Machiavelli wrote.

    Knowing.

    Going to bring all the princesses to the pond.

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  28. Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda?

    “I've about had it with Joan and Melissa
    giving me shit about my outfits.”

    Abe V

    Maybe was Ray Liotta, though.

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  29. Sometimes a mini-hacksaw and a stroll around town
    is just what the doctor ordered.

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  30. "Who needs looks, luck & nepotism
    when you're cut out for success."

     ~cocky origami

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  31. Wilco is just Gram Parsons without any of that metric shit.

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  32. Well, this new iron works well.

    I just hope no one was lying to me
    when they said today was Casual Waffle Friday.

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  33. For such a smart phone,
    you’d think it would know better
    than to upset me.

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  34. Top of the world.

    Felt like king of the mountain 'til I found out my 99 cent piece of crap map app had flipped upside-down.

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  35. I feel like Chuck Norris did
    after I hit him over the head
    with his walker.

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  36. Rarely does my thumb make me happy these days.

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  37. It's bad enough backyard looks like paint-by-dogshit
    Jackson Pollock artwork,

    the Marcel Duchamp kitty urinal's not even being used.

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  38. Only way I ever know it's puppy love
    is when the dog rolls its eyes at me.

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  39. The clouds are giving me subliminal messages.

    You best better beware of me
    for I may not know
    what I'm about to do. 

     # cloudcontrol

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  40. Was thinking how working's for the birds.

    And how I'm most likely a duck.

    And how if I were a dodo, I'd be extinct.

    And not working.

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  41. Ever since barely surviving a big narcisshipwreck,
    all the famous rapper ever says anymore is:

    "I make it Wayne. I make it Wayne."

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  42. Today and everyday, we are boldly paving the way
    to a super, stupider future.

    Yay!

    *burp*

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  43. Sang "Skip to my Loofah" in the shower.

    Slipped.

    Dinged my head as I banged into it.

    Then, the accident gave me superpowers.

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  44. Twas the year of their discontent, historians now say.

    Mayan tribal scribblers said,

    “Fuck the future," & ate the calendar chocolate.

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  45. Hedgerows bustle as the May Queen cleans
    the clutter from our minds.

    Rooms revive as she pulls our strings
    and opens up the blinds.

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  46. It was right as the sorority girls began swinging pillows
    on Lingerie Tickle Fight Night
    that I waltzed in & ruffled a few feathers.

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  47. Says he’ll kick my butt if I call him dull turd again
    but he’s old & slow & his legs are short.

    Isn’t that right, Mr. Turdleturtle?

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  48. Not easy to film serious hard-core banana porn movies
    because they all become romantic comedies
    once things end up getting
    all mushy.

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  49. I was sitting pretty.

    Until I got a cramp.

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  50. The evidence was staggering.

    Either it was dehydrated..

    Or the pudding was about 80 proof.

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  51. “This is the Send All, my friends,”

    ~Jim Morrison, on some ancient highway pretending toy cash register is a computer, probably

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  52. Bing doesn’t like me.

    It has no idea why.

    Couldn’t figure it out if it tried, either.

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  53. The children of the corn were gassy.

    They stunk up the whole bunker.

    Ethanol in the family.

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  54. "I'm feeling super sonnets.
    Give me gin and tonic."

    ~Liam Shakespeare

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  55. I had a lot on my plate.

    Up until about a minute ago.

    Now, I need to put on some shoes,
    and see if I can find the broom.

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  56. In dream, I asked James Joyce to explain
    his inane book rambles.

    He began to talk down at me until I kinda bumped into his ladder.

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  57. The future's putting words in my mind.

    And feeding me Hunchberries.

    Like a Cap'n.

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  58. On magic mushrooms, I use my electric organ,
    Advanced Math and Beginner Spanish
    to combine 3.14 with the word, year,
    to make a piano.

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  59. Sounds like it's coming from old people's butts,
    but just once I wish you wouldn't look at me like I'm nuts.

    They're smuggling ducks.

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  60. Your skepticism about the earth being hollow makes it impossible for me to explain anything to you.

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  61. I do have an advantage in that I own my own dumb truck.

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  62. Whenever I get so mad that I just wanna kick a puppy,
    I remember about the kitten.

    # kicksareforkitties :)

    # licksarefortitties ;)

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  63. "You're one stinky shit."

    "You stink more than I do."

    "Your mama doesn't even stink this bad."

    "Your mama does."

    (shit talking shit)

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  64. The path I'm traveling likely ends at
    that Curtain Number 3 up ahead,
    & behind it, a lifetime supply of canned cream corn
    awaits me.

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  65. "I found my towels in the bowels of an owl.”

    ~my reply to a sales lady who asked me what brought me into Bed, Bath & Beyond

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  66. It wasn’t due to sobriety that he got frostbit to shit.

    It was because of what he tried to do with a cold turkey.

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  67. Someday, Mississippi will prefer to be called Ms.
    instead of Mrs.

    That day is not today, though.

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  68. Was gonna give up but gravity said drop it, so I did.

    Saw flyer on ground:

    "Our truck will be in your neighborhood on Tuesday."

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  69. You call it kissing ass.

    I call it a yoga master showing off.

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  70. Apparently, my crop-dusting skills in grocery store aisles
    give me no competitive advantage in Farmville.

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  71. All I asked the guy at the store for was some space and an apostrophe to go with my new supermanscape.

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  72. My inner child just degraded an antique doll collection.

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  73. I'm giving people the benefit of the doubt.

    Boogers didn't get wiped on walls.

    Just got flicked.

    Stopped at place they hit.

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  74. Unsexy is the one* not reading this.

    *many

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  75. I took bumper sticker advice.
    Just like I always do.

    Act Your Wage

    Fell asleep picking my butt.
    And when I woke up, I threw poo.

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  76. Friends had a blast doing a show last night
    in front of a 'sea of people'.

    I had a riot on Twitter,
    wondering if Patton took naps.

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  77. With letters on the parts, I spelled Anita Pallenberg
    & Britt Eklund.

    I doubt it's them.

    Why'd I buy mail-order brides from IKEA?

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  78. Was told I don't know the half of it,
    but as luck would have it, I do.

    It's all crap we don't need to believe..

    Just hype and jive.

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  79. After doing some laps around the park, I wanna say:

    "Walking is for the birds."

    But, most of those fowl-mouthed peckerheads can fly.

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  80. I’m still wearing a fly suit.

    My faceplant in the yard simply means
    I’m wearing the outfit that is only
    supposed to be worn for show.

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  81. You say I overreact.

    I say you’re just jealous because
    you suck at jumping hurdles.

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  82. On the 7th day, the gods still chose to fuck with me
    on their day off.

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  83. It was when the shrooms humped the magic moon.

    That was when the cactus wren attacked us.

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  84. storeroom litter box
    mad cat rush to take first poop
    once it's cleaned haiku

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  85. That's a backpack of crap, I told the DEA.
    Ignore her. I'm no drug mule. 

    I'm a fool with a TV

     & I didn't agree to help Dora.

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  86. I spoke slow. You heard fast.

    Your brain farted when your asshat pinched a nerve gas.

    Cats below swerved at the last second.

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  87. So fluent in mumble, I make it dance;
    & I talk a mean grumble.

    To a stumblebum robot gang of ducks in a rowboat,
    I am their leader.

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  88. I talk to bananas by the bunches
    but never hold one to my ear
    to get it to work.

    We return together when we’re done our lunches.

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  89. Unsure if I heard that a turdhat of words I lazily wrote
    were as dumb as a dumbass afloat in a moat
    on my gravy billygoat boat.

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  90. She said look over my shoulder.

    To look there in the distance.

    That she was way beyond Awesome.

    I told her I couldn't see her.

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  91. Country bumpkin munchkin blumpkin
    luncheon in the forest scene
    was edited from the movie courtesy of the PMRC,
    Tipper & Dorothy.

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  92. “It’s tricky..

    Can get both prickly and trippy when you practice with cactus.

    We must not let that shit distract us.”

    ~FML coach

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  93. Asked genie for Cash Cab ride,
    a genius fellow passenger
    & get us lost.

    Down Shitty City Ave.
    with fat cash stacks,
    I now walk.

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  94. Your guitar playing sounded great
    until you added that chihuahua pedal.

    Then, it got whiny.

    And made you look tiny.

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  95. Prose tip: Leaves of ass break wind

    that blows

    below blows less

    wind leaves memories
    shaken poetry’s big mess
    missing rake haiku

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posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 17.7.13   0 Comments

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