Wednesday

Last



  1. Teach your kids spitballs are dangerous when you
    knock an aging rock star out of a coconut tree with..

    As many as necessary.

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  2. “I’m not sure how much fucking longer I’m gonna
    be able to keep this shit up.”

    (Atlas, probably)

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  3. First thing you're to do when someone falls off a ladder
    is stifle all laughter.

    You know, just so you know for next time.

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  4. He'd go monkey see, monkey do,
    but the sheepdogs only knew 2 words of English
    and spoke moose.

    Irony was: Free Willy's name stuck.

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  5. Had a sad talk with Kanye.

    His "Jesus Walks" song is historically inaccurate.

    I was there. I saw.

    Jesus got hit by a pitch.

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  6. I took a wizz.

    Accidentally misspelled it out on the wall,
    so it read, ‘whiz’.

    Was some seriously ironic genius shit.

    I mean, piss.

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  7. Had shit all locked down and put away safe in my pocket.

    Things only started to go downhill..

    When you pushed me.

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  8. The baby of the 79 year old
    former American Idol judge
    never had a chance. 

    hashtag Janiesgothisgums

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  9. Just found a message in a bottle.

    It read: "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."

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  10. Guess what's next to impossible?

    Swing-set.

    It is at my library.

    Why?

    Because guy I work with doesn't know his fucking alphabet.

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  11. Tooted my own horn by blowing smoke
    up the interviewer's ass.

    Didn't get job.
    Did cause bleeding.

    Next time I won't use a vuvuzela.

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  12. My anguished fries fell on deaf ears.

    Actually, second large fry did.

    First bag I dumped just filled ‘em up.

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  13. I only cry when 3.14..
     gets mixed in with my onion.

    That's my opinion.

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  14. She’s nuts expecting change from me & saying over & over that insanity's me doing same thing over & over
    expecting different outcome.

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  15. If you mean he’s been peeing sitting down
    since way before the twitter was born,
    then yes.

    They call me P Sitty.

    And I'm a twipster.

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  16. There’s always one person in your phone who won’t un-dim even when you adjust the Brightness setting.

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  17. I finally hear the voice of reason, and what do I do?

    I refuse to trust it.

    Instead, I just assume my house has gotta be haunted.

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  18. If by purist, you mean:

    “One who tweets unexpurgated crap..”

    Then, yes. I’m a tweet purist.

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  19. Hearing of the new Beetle coming out,
    REO Speedwagon broke their promise
    to keep on loving U

    & VW became all they gave a shit about.

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  20. "Who cares? In forest, Big Foot can eat all the wild yellow raspberries he wants."

    ~voice in my head says not to mess with Sasquatch

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  21. "I knocked it out of the park."

    ~Hobo Joe describes his crashing rocket-powered shopping cart into jungle gym & then landing in swamp 

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  22. "You're never going to start feeling better
    until you stop thinking positive."

    ~negative ions therapist

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  23. If only you could see me for the person I really am.

    I’m not a slacker or a bum..

    I’m just a loiterer who is done.

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  24. I had kinda hoped these clown shoes
    would've worked better as swim flippers.

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  25. "A turkey ass hero is something to eat."

    ~John Lennon sings commercial
    for the official Twitter sandwich

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  26. “Your mom’s so dumb that
    when she saw it said ‘cookbook’,
    she did.”

    ~Rodney Dangerfield’s ghost

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  27. Talk about literally pitching a shit fit.

    The monkeys don’t like the new trainer, Mr. Gabriel.

    Especially near tools & electricity.

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  28. Finally came to the conclusion that
    building a globe to scale is impractical.

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  29. "All I've got is a red guitar.
    I need these corduroys in blue."

    (Tangled Up in Bono)

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  30. Thanks for your help, Entropy.

    [as house approaches, & is about to cross,
    'officially thrashed' threshold]

    I've got it from here.

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  31. What do I think?

    I say monkeys should wrap all of our tweets in poo
    & then throw 'em against a wall.

    Bounciest one we hafta salute.

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  32. It was only when she squirted me
    (actually, she soaked me),
    that I realized I had stumbled upon
    the fountain of euphemism.

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  33. Since you all aren’t reading my tweets,
    I’m gonna hafta read 'em out loud to you.

    I’ll be using my singing voice.

    You’ve been warned.

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  34. “You can’t see farts to begin with,
    so you couldn’t have a total eclipse of one,”
    Bonnie Tyler informed her totally immature husband.

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  35. I told Kanye & Jay-Z you won't watch the throne because
    you don't need to hold their seat while they toilet tweet.

    You're welcome.

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  36. For the last time, I've worn shades & full body armor
    ever since I went in thru the out door of God's glory hole.

    Can't stop crying.

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  37. The chicken was actually a stool pigeon
    about to double-cross the road when.. car.

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  38. “Not road to greatness.
    Road to ruin,”

    ~Sarah Palin, overshooting landing strip
    and crashing headfirst into her own
    glory hole

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  39. Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda?

    “Clinton’s a schmuck.”

    Abe V

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  40. My self-censor efforts led to sequester.

    Sucks in this plucking feathers weather.

    Stuck wearing an asshat.

    I can’t get over it.

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  41. I quit subtle energy intentional cable
    TV anchor crotch shot trance enhance
    truthiness transference study because
    fuck the news.

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  42. I learn new stuff each time I watch Joe Dirt
    besides don't drink bong water.

    I knew that.

    I don't know DirtVinci Code, though.

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  43. I knew it was a tropical storm because it had pulp.

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  44. Everyone's license plate was the same; so lame.

    Mine had to change.

    Went with a mixing bowl motif, Big Chief.

    I mean, Officer.

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  45. There’s something about being an art official
    that just sounds so fake.

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  46. It's not that I can't stand still, or stay put.

    It's just I look so gosh darn good over here sitting pretty.

    That's all.

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  47. I put the retweet in yogurt if you look closely,
    but watch out.

    Not too close if it’s Trix.
    You could get hit. 

    With a bunny shot.

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  48. I wonder what the ratio in Congress is between the expert doodlers and those who can sleep with their eyes open.

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  49. As kid, I had a gang;

    a junior mafia, of sorts:

     the Pickyer Nostra

    Was disbanded due to too much in-fighting.

    And booger flicking.

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  50. My drug-soaked past is haunting me.

    Abused 'em without consent,
    say surviving relatives
    of drugs I did.

    Kind bud charges may stick.

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  51. This tweet is the Super2Pac of politics.

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  52. National domestic piss NP poopy wet DP gross.

    CDS bets CDO..wrapped crap

    From hell’s bowels, an owl howls,

    “I’d like to buy a vowel.”

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  53. Michigan Supreme Court ruled
    simulating sex with blow-up dolls not grounds for firing,
    so your husband may get his teaching job back.

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  54. If my name was Nostradumbass

    and could wrongly predict all stupid things to come,

    I'd totally get t-shirts made with my name on them. 

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  55. I’m surprised the United States hasn’t sued Twitter yet
    for copyright infringement..

    For the glorification of stupidity. ;)

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  56. Hard to skip over the realization that
    when you don’t hold up your end of the deal,
    I look like a crazy guy walking an invisible dog.

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  57. Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
    Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

    Mr. Obama Ms. Napolitano
    Do you or TSA know..

    Where did all my Hare Krishnas go?

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  58. “God only knows the difference between
    devout atheists & huge narcissists,” he said,
    as 3 rodeo clowns beat his ass
    & peed on his PC.

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  59. Been thinking about the good old days
    before Kanye arrived on scene.

    Spent today listening to the U2 song,

    "Twitter Without You."

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  60. Getting bored of watching these
    Assholehoff/Pam Lee reruns.

    Wanna see a show called Bagelwatch to
    match my blueberry boob mood.

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  61. Just found out the eBook I was gonna write
    has already been written.

    It’s an eye vision chart.

    I call bullshit.

    I mean, I spy.

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  62. Tried to put on happy face.

    Either head grew or it shrunk.

    Looks like I'm wearing a tribal ring.

    My smile pokes up my nostrils.

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  63. Clouds are acting extra weird tonite.

    I think they should stick to singing.

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  64. After 30 years, only a couple things haven’t been changed.

    The price of 2 tacos at Jack in the Box

    And your mom’s underwear.

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  65. Overstimulation in a fast-paced world
    makes it hard to get off
    and even harder to stick the landing.

    Stupid high-speed train.

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  66. “I’m an acquired taste.”

    ~a pile of talking poop, probably

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  67. These roller coasters totally don't help me not spill shit all over the table.

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  68. I saw her today at the erection..

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  69. Tried being delicate by using a metaphor,
    when she asked me how I felt.

    I said, “You have as many hang-ups as a
    rookie telemarketer.” 

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  70. Shrink says seeing Bruce Lee beat shit out of Chuck Norris
    in Return of the Dragon movie for 92 years is unhealthy.

    So, I'm good.

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  71. Wasted an hour unsuccessfully
    comparing apples with oranges.

    Even tried googling how.

    Nope.

    Story of my life.

    Outsmarted by fruit.

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  72. My fruit punchline’s straight like a puddle
    & isn’t funny or nutritious.

    But, it’s made with sugar,
    not corn syrup.

    So, there’s that.

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  73. "I don't think this is going to work out," I told him.*

    *guy at gym who brought in his blow-up doll
    that he thought was getting fat

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  74. I heard that the hillbilly Mob-speak I came across earlier in the Pennsylvania boonies was courtesy of the Poconostra.

    Crazy.

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  75. I'm officially stuck.

    The one day I pull my head out of my ass ..& stuck.

    My head's in one dimension..

    Rest of me's in another.

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  76. I love hockey because it reminds me of Canucks.

    Which reminds me of soccer moms..

    Or as I affectionately call them:

    Minivan Cougars

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  77. 11 Jun

    Lab guy broke up 'Me vs. the Monkeys' morning shit fight.

    "Poop! You can't handle the poop!"

    Not sure what his fucking problem is.

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  78. Just so you know for next time,
    “With what wit?” is the wrong reply
    when I tell you of my plan to save the world
    using my superpower.

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  79. Ol’ Dirty Bastard swims with the fishes
    & Jessica Simpson’s favorite chicken, Sea Charlie,
    wears his teeth in an Autotuna commercial.

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  80. According to my math,
    the only way the cat’s pajamas can be the cat’s pajamas
    is if there's not a cat in the equation.

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  81. My first Monsanto’s a bad seed/rotten apple/little douche clue was when it secretly unfollowed me as soon as I followed back.

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  82. “It’s only fun playing the Watch the Throne game
    until Kanye moons you.”

    ~Kourtney & Khloé

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  83. So-called civilized folks belittle
    the nonsense we proudly tweet,
    saying we’re littering.

    Just throwing that out there.

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  84. I like to suck so bad
    that people think I cheated
    and had help.

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  85. The last time I had a skip in my step,
    it tripped me.

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  86. “If I said you had a beautiful body
    would you hold it against me
    & maybe get under me
    so I can screw myself on?”

    ~head to torso

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  87. The Dude abides 'til the food arrives,
    and the Buddha tries to grab 5 slices.

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  88. This auto-correcting shit is gonna be the bedpan of meatball.

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  89. All I did was try to reach the Sales department for the spew planes to see if I could get 'em to sky-write me a chemtrail ad.

    My bad.

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  90. All I did was offer to help PRISM with bad PR
    by getting rid of it, and offering it a J.

    What did I get?

    Their undivided attention.

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  91. My phone doesn't need a charge.

    Just wants those Low Battery pop-up warnings to stop.

    And would love a ginger ale if you've got one.

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  92. I took the ‘turd’ outta Saturday for a playdate afternoon.

    Next morning, the ‘sun’ in Sunday dried it out..

    Signifying end of game.

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  93. You know you're drunk when
    you think your designated driver is
    a 3-iron..

    And, then you use him to putt with.

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  94. "Soo-ie, soo-ieee..
    We-we-we gotta go."

    ~Old McDonald rounding up little piggies
    to go all the way home for band practice,
    probably

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  95. For being so-called 'marriage material',
    I sure had a helluva time sewing her into a
    wedding dress.

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  96. If I owned America, I'd trade it..

    For a life-time supply of bubble gum and grape soda.

    And, then I'd move to Europe.

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  97. My bologna had a first name.
    A last name, too.

    Then, it went by its initials.

    Now, it says it's a universal sound, or some shit.

    # OM

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  98. I heard some freaks say the reason heavy metal died
    was because of rat poison.

    They meant Ratt and Poison.

    # butiknowitwasbonjovi

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  99. Someday, researchers will find
    priceless treasure hidden in junk DNA,
    and it'll become way more famous
    than Noah’s ark.

    # 2boatsjoke

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  100. An alligator just bounced off my car hood here at the zoo.

    My friend says it's his old pet that got stolen.

    We're so gonna get bit.

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  101. I never heard of Iceratops,
    or any prehistoric Arctic rodent missions.

    "We learned it in class today, but yer pronouncing it wrong."

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  102. “I might like you better if we lept together.”

    ~Juliet convinces Romeo Knievel to take her stunting or

    it's Kidz Bop Hip Hop song

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  103. I put the Pez in the trapeze,
    and can't help but feel partly responsible
    for today's circus catastrophe.

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  104. Not sure what the point of that last sign we just passed was.

    Said: "Well, now u r screwed."

    Seems unhelpful.

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  105. Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda?

    “There wouldn't be a Nickelback problem
    if Canada had a sales tax.”

     #notsure

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  106. I primarily mess up tweet punchlines just so I can see late-night talk show hosts sound stupid during their monologues later.

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  107. Some call it remote viewing.

    I call it staring at the controller wondering
    why it won’t turn on the TV.

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  108. My teacher gave my art an F.

    And stunk up the whole place.

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  109. When you think of me..

    Fine.

    If.

    Imagine a mime with Tourette's wearing mittens.

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  110. “These boobs are made for talking,” she said.

    Or maybe her boobs did.

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  111. Was goofing around.
    Threw my hat in the ring.

    Accidentally knocked out Rosie.

    Have no idea why everyone else fell down.

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  112. I don't know why I find McDonald's signs
    remind me of King Midas every time.

    Is this his piss?

    Was he writing name in snow?

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  113. I go on the offensive at the dentist's
    & say if I have a new cavity, it must be
    because of that last, crappy toothbrush
    she gave me.

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  114. I don't mean to brag, but..

    I used to not know shit from shinola.

    Now, I do. Guess why?

    You got it, Sparky.

    Got 'em all nametags.

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  115. The Dude abides while the Crüe decides whether to let Tommy back in the group, or just let the new guy keep playing drums.

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  116. "I know people keep pushing your buttons,
    but you're going to have to just learn to accept it,"
    I told the microwave.

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  117. I read a few of my recent tweets to see if they
    suck as bad as the skywriter flying by is trying to say.

    Not sure.

    My headache's new.

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  118. I’m not a rock star from Mars,
    but I have been banned from there..

    For teaching Rover to roll over.

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  119. The employee of the month left work early.

    Like a boss.

    # thugstyle

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  120. I told 'em that it was unsanitary,
    but funny money would not get down.

    It insisted on pitching a counterfeit.

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  121. When my 1 non-crap tweet’s at 99% complete,
    Twitter’s app zaps it.

    I told Gov. Jesse V my coincidence theory.

    He said my math sucks.

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  122. They count from A to Zebrah and have trouble with the clasp..

    I smell a frat.

     Expand

     
    Ahem, we’ve reached the end, my friend.

    See you when we begin again.

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posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 17.7.13   0 Comments

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