Wednesday

Not Last



  1. If the obstacle's the path, do the math.

    Take a bath 'n make a soft tickle plan.

    Let yer stand be popsicle of the tropical variety.

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  2. Kanye's song, "Pinocchio's Story," reminded me of 2Pac
    and made me wonder if heaven's got Geppetto.

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  3. In the Big Easy, kicking it with Lil Wayne and Young Jeezy
    as they teach me how to kung-fu fight with squeegees..

    A normal Thursday.

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  4. shrunken head
    swollen head
    hot potato salad

    hashtag not haiku

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  5. According to your BMW hood ornament, the buck stops there.

    Another one also stops way high up in wall of your media room/den area.

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  6. You know, Eleanor Rigby?

    I fucked her.

    Please don’t follow me Beatles-bot. Please d.. Crap!

    A Beatles-bot just followed me.

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  7. I doodle in metric to look smarter on paper.

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  8. Just got off the phone with Meat Loaf.

    He says he’s still not willing to share his crayons for love.

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  9. As I stared into my Maruchan instant noodles,
    I saw Cheap Trick playing live.

    But, it was just their new stuff. :( 

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  10. They say that not every joke works.

    If my jokes are anything like me, then none of them do.

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  11. 2 Jul

    Sucking on my slushee. Having no luck getting a brain freeze.

    Is it a quantum, observer/observed thing?

    Ahh.. Oww!

    There it is.

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  12. On the bright side, it's not dark like here,"
    the night told my light beer
    as I was sitting in the bushes
    itching and sipping.

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  13. I think it’s about time we oil the mosh pit.

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  14. Why'd I lend that cow my horn?

    She went to foof.
    Got corn & shit on the handle.

    Lit the farts with a candle.

    Got poo on my shoe.

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  15. Was dozing off waiting on Twitter to redeem itself.

    Dreamed I saw Facebook and Twitter streetwalking together.

    They'd swapped heads.

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  16. So, if a bunch of unicorns is called a blessing,
    I wonder what a bunch of unicorn poop called?

    Pondering for my socks in the laundry.

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  17. I hear the pitter patter of the twitter chatter
    on my safety helmet.

    I think it’s tapping out SOS in Morse code,
    & spelling it wrong.

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  18. This door's ajar so that I can put my door jamb in it.

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  19. I turned on my robot slinky at Great Wall. 

    Police: “Make stop!”

    I pushed Off spring.
    Got 10 kids.

    Broke Chinese law.

    Now I’m in jail.

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  20. Got book called, “The Hidden Messages in Water,"
    but by time I read it, it was too late.

    Took bath with my answering machine already.

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  21. Ok, now I know.
    You can't catch catch an egg.

    What?

    Why'd I keep throwing 'em at you?

    Because I didn't wanna keep carrying carton.

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  22. Well, it's official. My tweets are wack.
    They've hit the bottom of the barrel.

    No, not the 'wack barrel'.

    The 'even wacker' barrel.

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  23. You go to drain the goose
    & instead a pond of geese gets drained
    to find Lao Tzu's lost Zeus thunderbolt,
    so zoo man bans you.

    That.

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  24. Well, I stand corrected & in a buttload of pain.

    Soon as I called them all a buncha rat bastards,
    their father bit the shit outta me.

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  25. The pug dreamed of growing up to be a rebel thug boxer that wore briefs, exclusively.

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  26. The next person who asks me why I'm walking around with a duck popsicle probably won't like my answer either.

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  27. The manner in which this dishwasher was loaded
    is clearly a cry for help.

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  28. This tweet was born to be bad.

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  29. This tweet’s circular logic is trapped inside
    the box of a mime named Jack.

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  30. “Come face my dry-erase.”

    “You’re opposite of Sharpie.” 

    “I highlighted your mom in pink ink.” 

    (3 pen frenemies talking shit)

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  31. "I think it was because my butt fell asleep,"

     said Humpty Dumpty.

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  32. My metaphor’s not sure which one of us is in pole position.

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  33. I suppose getting up would be a good place to start.

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  34. Of course, I know what carbon dating is.

    That's Match .com

    Oh, no, wait..

    I was thinking sulphur.

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  35. As the captain triumphed over his stutter,
    the obvious was gradually stated.

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  36. Was psyched to download the 'satan' browser.

    Musta been blurry misread because I got safari..

    My devil's workshop will have to wait.

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  37. I raised the roof.

    It left home.

    Everything got ruined the first time it rained.

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  38. It’s all good.

    It’s also other things.

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  39. May a quesadilla’s unconditional love be
    the pre-assembled, post-IKEA idea
    serving you today.

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  40. TSA.

    The good, the bad & the butt-ugly.

    Good news: Anal cavity searches off table for now.

    Bad news: Moving to countertop instead.

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  41. Game has 2 sorority sisters trying to get ping-pong ball
    into ice chest using swim flippers.

    Seems unfair they let pros on the show.

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  42. If you mean, lost decade raising birthday pony
    after parents missed sarcasm in gift request,
    then, yes.

    I had a bad childhood.

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  43. “This new Pope tastes like the old Pope.”

    ~suspicious, superstitious parishioner, probably

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  44. The results are in.

    When the shit hits the fan, dried turds are preferred.

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  45. Keeps his hands up, elbows tucked in,
    or I gotta quit chin-bopping him.

    He goes, “I am Iron Man,”
    then stops paying attention.

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  46. A smarter person woulda realized
    climbing into this KFC bucket
    was gonna be almost impossible
    before he got halfway up the pole.

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  47. “Too much acidity. Bad gas.
    Baking soda n’ water.
    Need to burp it up like a baby
      n’ shit.”

    ~Queen/David Bowie song,
    rough draft

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  48. “I’ve got too much thyme on my hands,”
    the renegade told the blue collar man.

    “That’s why I can’t pick up chicks with sticks.”

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  49. I'm one app away from everything making sense.

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  50. A guy can't spell, Bingo, wrong one time without
    a whole roomful of old people getting upset?

    Lady, enough with the umbrella.

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  51. "I like to think of it as more than just stupid."

    ~my reply to all responses about my most recent idea

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  52. Were I not in the process of coming to power right now,
    I would be rioting.

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  53. I like their crop circles.
    They talk to me.

    I let ‘em chow a few animals. 

    But, that voice: “More cow, Beelzebub?” 

     ..Drives me nuts.

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  54. As a local, I used to listen to Journey.

    Unless I took a trip.

    If I did, I would then play Foreigner   

     & Page the Village Idiot.

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  55. When you said you wanted to see me shine,
    I didn't know you meant get on my knees
    & stay there until I'm reflecting from your shoes.

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  56. Famous last words: "I am not a piñata."

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  57. [door left open]

    HIM: “Were you born in a barn?”

    HER: “No, but I had shit {radio edit} of me
    in an outhouse before.”

    HIM: …

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  58. Connected the dots.

    Got what looked to be a smudge.

    Put it on a stick & lit it.

    Almost had whole page exorcised before..

    Fire.

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  59. Those aren't fireworks you're hearing.

    That's the sound of a bunch of my great ideas
    backfiring all at once.

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  60. My Y's must look like S's, I guess.

    It must have been the sign
    that brought all the girls
    to my yard:

    Free Yemen

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  61. Not sure if the characters in my mind's eye
    are circle jerking to drain brain
    or just all peeing outta my ear together for fun.

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  62. An argument could be made that I should not
    be left in charge of the bubble-wrap.

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  63. Up to no good means only one thing. I grew.

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  64. Whaddya call it if you have sex with your mother? Incest.

    With your sister? Same.

    Interesting.

    And when I have sex with her?

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  65. I don't try to see who unfollowed me
    for same reason I don't try to find my real parents.

    Gilligan's Island marathon on TV

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  66. Completed church training.
    Went through initiation rites.

    Baptism of jism surprised me.

    Not sure if I'm a deacon now
    or an elder.

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  67. "Old Bikini Bottom. I tapped that."

    ~Andrew Squaredice Claypants

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  68. Not only is analogy not the study of brain farts,
    it isn't an obsessive-compulsive, disorderly
    Original Gangsta from Muskogee either.

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  69. As my {radio edit} insisted I quit with my Fonda talk
    (unless it's Bridget),
    I walked/stumbled upon Golden Pond.

    Smelled like piss.

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  70. She asked if it was time to wake up the sleeping giant.

    I said yes.

    HER: "Revolution in mind. Not your {radio edit}."

    I said yes.

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  71. I don't mean to be a turkey
    like I got in bowling last nite,
    I told the judge.

    But, 3 strikes means 3 X's, so..

    I've got Tic-Tac-Toe.

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  72. What's the cut-off age for kids believing noises coming outta the bedroom are because their mom found religion?

    Asking for your mom.

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  73. I just found out it's all the same toe,
    & it has nothing to do with
    the type of cigarette you smoke.

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  74. I’ll never forget the night the lights went out in Georgia.

    That was when I lost both my lanterns.

    Haven’t seen them, nor her, since.

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  75. Keep in mind the moment you point a camera at me,
    I become the talent.

    It’s a crapshoot.

    That snapshot probably won’t be worth shit.

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  76. The dingos ate my baby out.

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  77. Even I'm getting sick of my shit.

    Admittedly, I ate too much.

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  78. Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda?

    “When me & Krishnamurti go snorkeling,
    he still gets all deep (even in the kidding pool).”

    Grapesy

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  79. Was making good time cruising down the highway to hell
    'til I hit construction and got diverted.

    Missed important appointment.

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  80. I tried doing that smiling thing I heard you talking about.

    It hurt my mouth, cracked my jaw
    and popped one of my eardrums.

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  81. "I'm a cowboy.
    On a still horse, I ride."

    ~Little Jonny Bon Jovi trying to think positive
    after the machine eats his coin

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  82. Many smart people are here.

    You're also here.

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  83. Not to be outdone by me teaching the Snoopy float to shake, the speed bump got it to roll over, flip on its side
    and play dead.

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  84. “Sweet dreams are made of peas,”

    said the princess, never.

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  85. In an attempt to deal with my trust issues,
    I find myself wondering aloud exactly how far it is
    that I can actually throw an expert.

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  86. Not as troubling I forgot I was on a raft
    & thought the land was moving away
    as it is that something just bit me
    & a line is forming.

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  87. Cow tipping isn't easy because they weigh a ton,
    and there's no appropriate place to put dollar bills
    during lap dances in the barn.

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  88. After spraining my wrist & breaking my helmet,
    I learned my lesson.

    From now on, instead of dumpster diving.. 

     I'm gonna cannonball.

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  89. Was at Dee Snider's house.

    I said I'd help with March of Dimes if he moved it to April,

    & then told his chair:

     I don't wanna rock.

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  90. Was informed 'aimlessly wandering the world
    in polished shoes I hope to scuff'
    is not a career path.

    Now I'm sad.

    With indigestion.

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  91. Until Urban Dictionary lets me add words again,
    the opposite of a porcelain goddess is still not a rich Celine Dion.

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  92. Some stop signs say, ALTO.

    I figured equal sign means: Sweet n’ Low.

    Rhymes with go, so..

    I went.

    What else could it have meant?

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  93. Is reality assembling itself around you
    because of a truth you see in this tweet
    matching your belief?

    Will you still add hot sauce?

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  94. Of all the establishments in the world,
    you had to crank call The Scooter Store.

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  95. "Are you religious?"

     the teacher asked her new foreign exchange student.

    Angus: "I believe my big balls should be held every night."

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  96. If by superpower, you mean
    a colorful dancing disco duck ball smell,
    then no.

    Which is code for yes as you can see and guess.

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  97. Young niece got so pissed she intentionally knocked over 10-gallon bucket of paint onto floor.

    Now claims she had a blackout.

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  98. I don’t mean to brag, but sometimes it takes
    a special kind of idiot..

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  99. Tried to crowd-surf.

    Knocked out the entire front row with my board.

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  100. I have the grant money.

    Should get to work, I guess.

    Time for me to prove that bat shit’s sane as fuck
    and just misunderstood.

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posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 17.7.13   0 Comments

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