Wednesday

First



  1. The dog’s wearing a lifejacket on this cruise
    because I suck at throwing the frisbee.

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  2. Ever since my first acting gig,
    I've been typecast as a movie extra.

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  3. A blatant foul. For 'trying too hard'.
    Penalty shot won the game.

    Was a good call, and the crowd..

    Beat me up for no good reason.

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  4. “Don't mistake my kindness for weakness."

    ~good weed advice

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  5. I wonder if I'm getting enough cardio
    with this exercise in futility.
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  6. I’m not guessing. I know.

    My superpowers only work if I’m wearing
    a clown shoe on my wiener.

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  7. Miles & miles of piles & piles of turd pies
    doesn’t mean man landed on the moon.

    It only proves a cow’s been jumping over it. 

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  8. Sometimes you need snow tires with change.

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  9. I tried smoking angel dust last night,
    but couldn’t get the ceramic cherub fragments to light.

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  10. I never judge a book by its cover.

    I always judge a book by just how much it hurts
    when I drop it on my toe.

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  11. Even if it always seems like everyone driving
    just left a shithead seminar,

    I love.

    Yes, even when they believe I was guest speaker.

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  12. Was on 3rd try the astronomers agreed on a name.
    Big Thumb sounded dumb and Fingerbang Theory
    felt real wet and messy.

    I'm guessing.

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  13. Twitter - write

    = t & t write + dynamite

    = nothing I wrote

    keeping the streak alive or bust

    = another tweet bites the dust

    # meh

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  14. Tried to see if I could squeeze blood from a turnip.

    Fuck.

    Driver guy, Steve, hit a bump; now I'm naive.

    I just fell off the truck.

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  15. Well, I tried to bluff the teacher.
    Pretended I read the book.

    Probably shoulda known
    that Watson never said:

    "No shit, Sherlock."

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  16. "Feel the Earth's vibrating beat,
    as boys & girls meet to cyber-moon
    & spoon & star tweets.Ok?
    Gimme my treats."

    ~shit my dog says

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  17. With each tweet, I’m more ignored.

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  18. Last year, they smashed an Adam & got the Ants.

    This time, they’re putting Dora in the supercollider
    & hoping to get free Doritos.

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  19. I just realized I could use the TP from my TyPos.

    If I could reach 'em from where I'm sitting.

    Which I can't.

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  20. Lab results confirm your corn dog’s a mutt.

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  21. "But, first you must trust the strut." 

    ~Tony Robbins, teaching a self-help workshop
    to peacocks, probably

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  22. According to the musical theory of Darwin,
    somewhere, right about now, a Ratt fan
    is beating up a Phish fan.

    For no apparent reason.

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  23. “Lots of folks paved The Way for me.

    Messed up my flow so
    now the present’s butt..

    A gift-wrapped diaperload.”

    (cranky Lao Tzu)

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  24. I coulda swore I asked you to hold the ladder.

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  25. Truth be told, I didn't make shit up.  

    I just heated up something from a can.

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  26. "And I folded. I mean, I ironed."

    ~new Flock of Seagulls singer
    forgets words

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  27. Somehow, I’m not surprised I made fish sticks
    on the exact same day that life stopped giving me lemons.

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  28. My doctor says do stand-up comedy with an orchestra
    so logistical issues make it harder to attack people
    for laughing at me.

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  29. Ms. McGee, it is a lovely red bandana, but..

    It doesn’t match the golf outfit Mr. Kriskrossferson said
    he'd wear backwards for me.

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  30. You said your friend came for weed.

    Had no idea you were referring to hydroponic pot
    and a bong that changed into a magic vibrator.

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  31. So, I've got all these french fries stuck up my nose,
    and they smell different.

    It must be my allergies.

    Or maybe it's the new oil.

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  32. Fret. It gets worse.

    Okay, fine. It doesn't.

    But, the news refused to run that story.

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  33. Bike riders are street peddlers trying to sell me guilt.

    An exercise in futility.

    I'm flat broke.

    Like a coin-less joke floormat.

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  34. My gas-powered leaf-blower informed me
    that it is also doing the ‘Cord’s work’,
    & to capitalize the C.

    I told it to shut up & blow.

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  35. That was cute.

    And disgusting.

    Gotta lay off the acid & get him a Zyrtec.

    Heard cat say it & spray it:

    "I can haz sneezboogers."

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  36. Had wanted Steven Tyler to stay on American Idol.

    Related: Was hoping Aerosmith would break up.

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  37. Tried preaching to the choir; but I don't think anyone heard me.

    None of 'em would shut the fuck up.

    They just kept on singing.

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  38. Despite what you think you saw me doing on TV last night,
    I don’t know how to speak any sign language, so
    I must've just had a cramp.

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  39. We are the zombies we’ve been waiting for.

    Or we’re Adam’s ants.

    I just totally forgot which one it was.

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  40. Found out from my alien buddy that
    last word in Bible, "Amen," is a typo.

    Original word was: Ahem.

    As in, *wink wink*, kidding, yo.

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  41. Played my cards right.

    bought yacht to see world

    Rolled the dice.

    They sank. 

    got lost at sea

    Not Yahtzee.

    Not even close.

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  42. I've got a fever, but the only prescription that I need is..

    Good guess. Close.

    Less bullhorn.

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  43. Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? 

    "Baaaaaa! Humbug."

    #thatswhatcheapsheepsaid

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  44. It never helps for me to explain anything.

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  45. Some greedy bastard just sold out,
    so now we’re stuck inside forever.

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  46. The existential boat lacked manners.

    And, it tipped lousily.

    I, of course, fell out.

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  47. I don't mean to rag, but..

    Can you show me on this doll
    where Dr. Drew saved you
    from alcohol?

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  48. Misunderstood you when you said she was a gold digger.

    That's crazy how she'll only date guys who let her
    pick their boogers. 

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  49. You know you’re getting old when you wake up
    and completely forget you’re a jukebox hero.

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  50. It's time I teach myself a lesson.

    Problem is I don't know shit, and..

    The student and teacher are both fucking idiots.

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  51. It broke because..

    Long story short.

    Up jumped the Wookie.

    Almost over..

    Flew Snookie.

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  52. Went to Japan to hear the sound of one band crapping.

    Ended up in the stall next to Steven Seagal.

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  53. I think that thing which I thought was personal growth
    has become ingrown.

    It starts to hurt now when I go to leap tall buildings.

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  54. Nine times out of 10, the beat around the bush is hip-hop.

    However, the tenth time is mulberry.

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  55. After studying world history all afternoon,
    it occurred to me, once condensed, it's all
    basically just the pilot episode of Jackass.

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  56. Finally ordered the vagina-shaped beret
    I've been dreaming of getting.

    Still haven't decided on how I'm going to tilt it yet, though.

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  57. Was reading, "You Can Heal Your Life," by Louise Hay.

    'Diddle yer skittle' was cure for her migraines.

    Must be a new medical term.

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  58. I probably shouldn’t wipe that one on my clothes.

    Whether I will or not..

    Only the future knows.

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  59. A fresh, hot-diggity wiener dog burrito lust-crushed on me,
    but I saved her to savor for later..

    Because our puppy love was illegal.

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  60. I love vegetables. Used to be one.

    Lately having vocabulary difficulties
    describing my magic beanstalk.

    Yes, I know it's a legume.

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  61. Thongs date back to Roman times
    when Caligula's posse called them cameltogas
    based on song sung by nomad chick
    named Sand Fran Sisqo.

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  62. I sweet-talk your umbrella.

    I say I want candy.

    I want to taste the rainbowwowow.
                                              
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  63. I'd relish life more if I wasn't so allergic
    to the smell of pickled pickles.

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  64. “It's always fucking Shark Week."

    ~dolphins

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  65. “I think in tweet, therefore I resist.
    Think out my tweets? I doubt the need exists.”

    ~twit noob/asshat boob, Descartes
    aka René

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  66. No, I didn’t fall from grace.

    Unless somebody renamed my ladder and never told me.

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  67. I put the 'er' in stupid.

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  68. Just because I don't care if Larry the Cable Guy wins,
    it doesn't mean I'm pulling for the alligator.

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  69. The devil made me do shit?

     ..or..

    The devil made me douche it.

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  70. Fig? Plum?

    Whatever.

    It could be a big pig bum for all I care.

    I refuse to let it ruin date night again.

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  71. Museum’s painting of The Birth of Venus is a forgery.

    Has J-Lo’s butt & an oil pan playing a dipstick flute.

    Gotta be a Robotticelli.

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  72. I was pointing out something stupid.

    And, it bit me.

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  73. I love anarchy, but fuck this.

    My teeth are singing:

    “1, 2, 3.. What are we biting for?”

    And they refuse to chew my burger for me.

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  74. "I guess I got way too baked," the Captain said.

    "Was thinking, Puff, Puff, Push."

    And, that's how Ms. Palin ended up in the lake.

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  75. Was shocked to learn that
    what I had thought
    were tears from heaven
    was actually slobber.

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  76. From Master's hand, I snatched pebble.

    Was a buncha boogers all balled up.

    He said it was time for me to leave now.

    I'm not ready.

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  77. I’m one expensive stage prop away from being chandelirious.

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  78. Go to the old school.

    Turn left.

    Keep going left 'til you see the ghost of Joe C
    on my little Zamboni & hear Siri
    rap in the NasCar.

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  79. Andrew 'Dice' Clay's resume for job at pillow factory:

    "You know Mother Goose?"

    "I plucked her."

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  80.  
    I doodle in Joyce to embrace my Finnegan’s Wake & bake
    as the whispering eye of her shaved poodle makes
    hypnotic sounds & funny faces at me.

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  81.  
    Practicing my dumbass act so world relaxes, you see.

    It keeps people everywhere unaware
    their born to chug {radio edit}daughters blew me.

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  82.  
    “Yer too big of a nitwit to knit with;
    yer a trend ya can’t mend.
    You might as well go off the deep end
    when I bend.”

    ~your mom about to cum

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  83. Sign we passed read:

    Best Place for Eating Out
    is at the
    Finer Vagina Diner

    But, I can't get bus driver to stop for me to get off.

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  84. Was me flying by.
    Just came to say hi.
    All thru Europe is this {radio edit} blizzard.
    Dessert’s on the house(s).
    And the women go *slurp*.

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  85. Quote:

    “Feeling super sonnets. Gimme gin & tonic
     & 10 snow bong hits & my big girl bonnet.”

    (Liam Shakespeare)

    Fucking Twitter.

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  86. To quote crude Buddha (The Dude as priest),

    "Holy crapture, that sure sucks huge fucktons
    of flies from a duck's butt, my son."

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  87. Tag-teamin' on my magic wand;
    2 new girls, Yolanda & Wanda,
    snake-charmin' along
    with Yvonne & Sondra.

    An in-n'-out double-double entendre.

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  88. There's been a misunderstanding.

    I'm just a tunabomber, your Honor.

    Guess who I've got to back it up for me?

    Yup.

    yer sister and yer mama

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  89. Snow shoes. No clothes.
    Big tweets. Red clown nose. 

    Sausage thumbs.
    Saucy Aussies.
    Canadian bacon bits.

    # UGGlife

    Shiver & shake them tits.

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  90. Sluurrrp! Sluurrrp! Her clit starts up my dreams.

    Not always what it is, but it's certainly what it seems.

    Sweet sippy cup o' slurpin' tea.

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  91. He said, and I quote:

    "In my gut, I knew I was born to bust a nut;
     that's why I'm citizen arresting you."

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  92. "Made her pussy purr. I litter box.."

    Um, hello, Autocorrect.
    Where are you?

    Not litterbug. "Lit her.."

    Not Botox.

    "Lit her box up."

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  93. Sky high pilots, beers & no pants.
    Exotic dancers tease.

    Were it not for priorities being straight.

    They woulda cleared the trees.

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  94. Abandoned quest to be 1st black widower spider.

    My {radio edit} will feast on her ass 1 last time
    & make it rain as she eats my brain.

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  95. By the time she's finished diddling her skittle like a fiddle,
    I find my muddled mind blinded and befuddled by
    shiny little puddles..

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  96. By my jaw being broke, I mean fine thighs like these.

    She can squeeze bling fillings right out my mouth
    whenever she pleases.

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  97. Her banana rhythm mannerisms were rather cute
    as she sat on that platter of fruit;
    thighs wide open so hoping you'd come
    & juice her.

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  98. My inspiration comes in waves. 

    "Keep the fuck outta my hair," she sweared.

    What?
    I know I told you before, but..

    She just said it again.

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  99.  
    Really got no idea.
    Mighta been said before.

    I'm not a man of action.
    Nor manowar.

    I'm one of them men o' pause.

    Pause for applause.

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  100. my dim son had some rollover dumb
    from previous series of tweets,
    my serious other one told his mother’s brother
    this tweet’s awful

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  101.  
    She said I was dynamite.

    Said I deserved a Nobel prize for tonight.

    She said I got her so fuckin’ hot,

    I gave her valley..

    Fever.

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  102.  
    I put the hard in yer mom’s hearing.
    Stuck my -- in her ear.

    She said:

    “Ear canal ends with ‘anal’, love; be a dear
    & {radio edit} my rear.”

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  103.  
    Don’t miss yer chance with the hipster’s sister, mister.
    So fresh; so clean-shaven. Pussycat, oh, so friendly.
    Especially when kissed, sir.

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  104.  
    The beautiful, young woman was vilified
    by other members in her support group
    when they joked of how she had dill-ified
    big, waxy cucumbers.

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  105.  
    Chocolate mayhem drips off her lips onto her tits.

    I lick her clit s’more & mac her graham cracker.

    I can see her marshma\\m^m// ‘O’ face.

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  106.  
    Sounds like pianist. Rhymes with orange.

    Your lukewarm porridge thumb sex theatrics
    as a bum hums on a plum are truly inspiring.
    I bow 2 u.

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  107.  
    With just the tip, I aim to please as I’m teasing her kegels.

    Miracle whips spread lips like bagels & cream she’s
    learning as I’m churnin’.

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  108.  
    She showed me Bill of Rights.

    Didn’t know if it included gratuity.

    Gave it my Pro-Tip.
    Poked big hole.
    Later learned I fucked the original.

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  109.  
    I pulled my avi from your ravioli,
    & got some of it on your dress, um.. 

    Actually, I kinda made quite the mess.

    Sorry ‘bout that.

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  110.  
    This sex marks the spot.

    Where I got her clit to spit
    & her inner pit bull to bark.

    A lot.

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  111.  
    To everyone wearing no pants & tweeting,
    I tip my numbskull cap; &
    to all trying to get off,
    I offer my cyber-giant Pro-Tip
    dip ‘n stirrer.

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posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 17.7.13   0 Comments